to Juan and Ricky (2/3),

The picture's from here. I am excited for summer. Finals end Thursday at noon. So that will be great.

That was the first of many nights that broken, booze-bathed hearts stood outside my window and cried for all the world (and I like to think especially for me) to hear. It turns out that my apartment is the perfect distance from the bar down the street to have a 2:00 a.m. angry break up. It’s usually nothing special: slurred accusations of betrayal, weepy confusion, complete abandonment of hope. But every once and awhile I’ll hear something truly memorable. For example:

• Juan, I liked hearing that you were "not around just for [his] entertainment." You were "NOT [his] own personal episode of Jersey Shore." This is one of the most brilliantly crafted break up lines I've ever heard. Thank you.
• And you, Ricky, why did you feel the need to chant "You are so FAT AND UGLY!!! FAT AND UGLY! FAT AND UGLY!!" for such an uncomfortably long period of time? Eventually the other guy just walked away and you explained to my entire neighborhood that you were deleting Jesse from your phone.

Break ups are hard. But I hope you are both happier now; you'll get through this,

- a hopeful and concerned bystander