Pregnancy "Essentials"

Jack is rapidly approaching that day where he has spent more time on the outside than in. To celebrate this milestone, let’s hearken back to pregnancy. Spoiler: My pregnancy was not pretty, and this post is not going to be pretty either. Before I got pregnant, I pinned every single one of those “pregnancy essentials” posts. Get this body pillow, this pregnancy journal, this cashmere pashmina, this body oil, this maternity swim suit, this pre-natal yoga video. I didn’t realize it at the time, but those lists make pregnancy look so darn glamorous I could puke.

And I did puke. Debilitating nausea was my steadfast companion from week four to week forty. And it’s not rational, but I wanted to scream at those Pregnancy Essentials lists for making me think I would care about the kind of socks I wore as I cried myself to sleep on the bathroom floor. Tell me, what exactly makes dry shampoo “essential” when it’s easier to not care about sitting in your own filth? And that back massager might have been great for your pregnancy, but do you know what was great for mine? Never being touched in any way ever.

So here’s MY parade of horribles, and may they never be essential for you.

1. In my experience, this puke bag is the only truly essential pregnancy item. The first time I was hospitalized the nurses gave me like twenty to take home, and every time I had to go back I’d ask for more. This bag. It makes public puking so much more bearable. Heck, it makes bedroom puking more bearable. It is much better than a bucket, it is even better than the toilet, and it is SO MUCH BETTER than cleaning puke off the walls because you didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. This bag. It is better. It is essential.

2. Also “essential” in my pregnancy was this electric razor. Standing while shaving my legs was out of the question since standing for any period of time gave me immediate, unforgiving diarrhea. Alternatively, our tub is so narrow that when I sat and leaned forward to shave near my ankles, the pressure on my tummy would make me puke. You know what’s gross? Puking in your bath water (see pregnancy essential #1). But with this electric razor, I had more room to move around. I didn’t puke once, and my restless legs stopped twitching as much in the night.

3. Netflix. No explanation necessary.

b perry

p.s. The craziest part of all this is how excited I am to have another baby. Chris and I get giddy just talking about it. Anyway, the more I laugh about how horrible pregnancy was, the braver I feel about doing it again.